Elijah and Ann left yesterday for Ann’s grandmother’s wake and funeral.  I had firmly set in my mind three days of accomplishment.  Yesterday evening we had the largest group ever in the garage gym cranking it out and welcomed Charlotte Hill into the fray.  The weights were heavy feeling, but all seemed well.  That workout was the highpoint of a quickly sliding time of productivity.  Everything was up in the air when I woke up this morning.

8 am, enter the upper respiratory infection.  In eight short hours I went from great to dry and painful sinuses.  Two days until Ann and Elijah come home.  Calculated best choice: stay home, get well, and don’t give this to anyone else, especially your son.  Now to get some things done.  Ann isn’t home so I need to feed the cats.  Into the kitchen.  Look down at the feeding dishes.  Ant super highway in the kitchen.  Can this really be happening?  Now to call Ann.

I attempt to get Ann on the phone.  As luck would have it the iPhone is being its usual cooperative self.  Two trips to Augusta for this already.  First trip resulted in over five hours of restore time only for the first text afterwords to fail.   Second trip, software version 4.02 and things are fine for a week.  Enter the last week of my iPhone joy.  Increased text, call, and email server failure.  To the tune of around ten hard restarts a day.  Apple is so much better than PCs are.  They never get viruses.  They never need reboots.  Poppycock! Unlike Microsoft, they can’t even admit their crap is working crappier than usual. If you can call what it is doing working.  When will they fix this crap?  One reboot later I get Ann on the phone:

Me: How is little man?

Ann: He is great.  What’s going on?

Me: We have had an ant invasion.  Little super highway to and from their bowls in the kitchen.

Ann:  Go to Walmart and get what you need.

Me: Ok.

Ann: Can you also get something for fleas.  I have bites all over me. (Side note, Ann is like ice cream, fine wine, and caviar to fleas.)

Me: Not a problem.

Now we have ants, fleas, sinus infections and I am impervious to bullets, knives and splinter, but deathly allergic to, and scared like a little girl of, yellow jackets.  Off to Walmart, Home Depot and anywhere else to fight the invasion and protect all of humanity. As luck would have it, Walmart was an unlucky place to begin my search.  Luckily, as a man, this was the perfect time to hatch my evil plan and go to Home Depot.  The holy land of the do it your-selfer.  Fifty-six dollars lighter and toting an arsenal of bug death I got into my car and drove home.  My greatest coup on this trip, a wasp, hornet and yellow jacket trap.  Time to become a scourge to all things great and small.

I began my murderous rage by sprinkling ant granules all around the house, in the garage and in the pantry.  If they are hungry, let them eat poison ant killing cakes.  Next step, fog under the house.  The problem with the second item on the list of murderous actions was that the feral cats have access under the house so I have to crawl around under the house and make sure their access points are blocked off then, backing out, I have to set off one, back up, two, back up some more, three bug bombs while avoiding inhaling the poisonous gas, made worse by my current respiratory ailment.  The great part about all this is how I have to block off the feral cat access point.

Luck once again steps in.  The opening under the house is under the the walk around porch on the cat house.  Of course, the walk around porch on the cat house is blocking the hole.  Seems reasonable.  Everyone knows that cat houses have walk around porches.  Wait, who has a cat house for feral cats in their yard with a walk around porch?  I am the only such person I know of:

The problem here is not really that I have to get under the edge of that porch. The problem is I have to slide past those bushes. Bushes of death they be. You see, all our front bushes harbor wasps, hornets and yellow jackets. Gulp! I swallow my fear, slide in and place the barrier. Now on to the last order of business. The new trap for the flying death bringers. The trap was fourteen dollars. I had previously built a similar, home made, trap from instructions online, but the lure of paying hundreds of percents in mark up drew me in. In the past Home Depot only carried plastic trap bags. This was the future of Steve death prevention. It was sitting nicely packed in cardboard, made of non-recyclable environment destroying plastic and right at eye level, the marketing agents dream. I immediately read the instructions and assembled it. Those of you that know me well know this was serious. I never read instructions! I hung it and returned forty-five minutes later out of shear curiosity. What did I see? The first new tenant:

I give it five stars in the world of wasp, hornet and yellow jacket traps. It works well enough that I don’t know if my brother, Mike, or our friends Tamra and Chuck will ever be able to visit again, on account of Chuck and Mike graduating from Tech, and all.

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