Our house has vaulted ceilings.  They are lovely.  They are completely impractical.  In the winter, warm air rises, with the power bill.  In the winter the fact that cool air falls does not stop the room from being warm and the power bill from rising.  To add insult to injury we even have a vaulted ceiling in the master bath.  If the bathroom floor wasn’t cold enough already in the winter? Why do I tell you these things, because a vaulted ceiling is a wonderful place to start a new family, if you are a spider.

I work out in my garage.  I’ve built my gym actively, without the aid of parental financing, over the last eighteen years.  I have everything I need, but never everything I want.  I train four to six days a week depending on my schedule and the tragedies that accompany an individual on any given day. The garage is attached to the house with access to the kitchen.  It is neither heated, nor cooled, so the garage door stays open during the summer to avoid immediately death due to inhalation burns from the heat.  As you would imagine, I travel from, an into, the garage via the kitchen door.  This leads to a battle with flying undesirables.  It is only by chance a terradactyl hasn’t made it into the house. While the chances are remote for any one door opening, the law of large numbers is with me. Enter the underperforming house spider.

The common house spider’s job description might include things such as; keep a tidy web, remain inconspicuous, and don’t bite the humans, but by a great margin the major portion of their duties is the elimination of unwanted flying pest.  Mind you, it takes a larger variety of spiders than we currently entertain to handle a terradactyl, so we consider ourselves lucky one hasn’t flown into the house yet, but what do you do when you are certain that the same mosquito has been tormenting you for more than a few days and you check the webs and no one is working?

The first step is to document the occurrence and to notify the spider of their non-compliance with their job description.  Many an unaware spider has been removed from their position without even realizing they are an under performing member of the team.  Second, redirect.  Inform the spider of his job description and the correct procedure for performing their duties.  Incorrect or inadequate training should never be the reason you need to replace a member of your house spider team.  Remember, it cost more to replace a spider than to train a spider properly the first time.  Lastly, if these two course of action do not remedy the situation you may have to replace the offending party, but how does one go about this in the proper manner.  We must remember to conduct ourselves in the manner we would like our house spiders to conduct themselves.

Removing a spider may be easy at times, but we must avoid creating a situation which spirals out of control.  You should insure you have documentation of past incidents and approach the spider in a non-threatening manner.  The last thing you want is to go off half-cocked and have an already unstable spider lose whatever composure they might have had and go on a biting spree.  At these times conduct yourself as you would when telling your parents you would prefer they not make out when chaperoning your senior prom.  Don’t mince words or meander to the point of the meeting.  Notify the spider quickly, but without pomp, their services will no longer be needed.  Allow the spider to speak candidly, but remember, while it may be personal to them, you should not allow it to become personal for you. This is just business.  When you have completed the meeting don’t feel as if you must be terse and usher the offending spider out the door.  Remember, you hired this spider because you believed they had something to offer your household.

Moving forward. You have removed the under performing house spider and you now have a vacancy.  The last thing you want to do is hire another house spider in desperation.  It is time to be patient.  Use this time to evaluate how you may have contributed to the problem.  Did you tolerate an untidy web?  Were you not clear during the hiring process about the job description?  Did you rush into the hire to fill a recently vacated position?  Use this incident as an opportunity to shore up any part of the process that you may not have contributed your best.  Finally, move on.  You can’t control every situation.  You have to place truct in your spiders to do their job properly, but remember, that always begins with you.  I hope this helps the next time you run into a similar situation with your house spider team.

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