This morning I awoke just as many other people do every morning in the world.  Slowly and reluctantly.  For me it is shower first then breakfast.  Today I had no appetite for cereal.  The search ensues.  Look in the pantry, nothing suits.  Peak in the fridge, close it sullenly.  Finally I settle on two microwave dinners; Pepper steak and linguini carbanara.

This is the point where my wife, and many other wives, jump off.  That is not breakfast food! I have been known to eat pizza, ice cream shakes, even Stouffer’s skillet meals, every serving, regardless of count.  You see, for myself, and I posit most other men, we don’t have breakfast, lunch and dinner foods, we have right now foods.  Strangely, my wife enjoys what would be commonly called breakfast food in the evening.  This is perfectly acceptable to society.  It was during this stream of thought, while the pepper steak was on its 3 minute ride in the microwave, I decided I did not want frozen dinners for breakfast.

I now had 1:30 on a second cycle for the pepper steak.  Not wanting to waste I threw it back in the microwave after stirring the rice and sauce together, a clear violation of the directions which instruct the diner to stir both separatly.  Back to the pantry.  Todays final line-up; pepper steak, chips and salsa, milk, protein shake and the morning pill regiment for old age and anything which may be missing from my diverse meal selection today.  Before all the wives protest and the husbands ask “why does he get to eat chips and salsa and I have to eat normal breakfast food,” I must offer up an explanation.

It is my belief that a meal is not a social norm, but a means to an end.  While many people eat for flavor, smell, composition, I eat to meat macro and micro nutrient requirements for my daily needs.  Any given day these needs can include six to ten, or more, hours of mathematics, crisis in the family business and the ensuing five hours of phone tag and bleeding of the family coffers, or picking up 500+ pounds off the ground because it makes perfect sense to do so.  I look at a meal as a ration of carbohydrates, protein and fat and a source of vitamins and minerals. For these needs, my breakfast suffices.

I charge all my husbands in arms to claim their right to a proper breakfast of whatever random meal components they may find while haphazardly grazing around any given meal time as long as they can.  I ask every wife to have mercy on their husbands foolish ways.  Finally, I warn every husband and wife to move with caution, because one day they will have to paint the social norms of society for their children at a table laden with a balanced meal that could only exists in a Betty Crocker cook book.

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